Part Five: Guilt Trips are a Bitch
The taxi was where they had left it, a hunk of dingy yellow metal on the concrete horizon. Hanging from the mirror like a beacon were those fuzzy pink dice, cigar smoke curling in the sunlight. With jaws and fists clenched, a tense silence followed the siblings into the cab. Lucky squeezed between her brothers, propping her elbows up on her knees to bury her face into her hands. The taxi driver hollered over his shoulder, radio blaring. “Where next?”
“The Umbrella Academy.” She spoke through slender hands, gritting her teeth at the static trickling through the radio. Lucky spread her fingers into her hair, trying to push against the pressure that had been building against her temples since she’d woken up.
"Trying to get a glimpse of the kids or something?” He said with a laugh.
“Just go.” Lucky responded before anyone else could. She didn’t have the patience for bullshit right now, for this fucking guy. They needed to get there before the others and they couldn’t afford any further delays and there weren’t many cabs making pick-ups at the police station. Every time Lucky closed her eyes she imagined what her sibling’s faces might be when they saw Luther, when they would realize the secret they’ve kept; every time she looked up she was reminded how much more difficult this was for Luther, Grim and Remedy. There was a weight pushing against her chest that made it difficult to swallow. Tears started to well in her eyes though she fought against them. She wiped them away but only ended up smearing them across her cheeks.
Lucky looked at Grim out of the corner of her eye leaning against the door with his arms folded, hating herself for wishing he was Remedy right now. Lucky never had to really carry the burden of being a leader. She wasn’t a follower but she definitely wasn’t going to start leading the pack any time soon. Luther had always done it with Remedy at his side. Now Luther was literally falling apart and Remedy was nowhere to be found. She had thought he would have at least showed up made an appearance when she told them about their dad but she had barely sensed even a glimmer of his shadow in Grim’s since leaving the police station.
Lucky knew if she really asked, Remedy would come. All she had to do was say his name and he’d be there, always. But all of their childhood Grim spent being told he was the toxic half of Remedy….Lucky felt like she was telling Grim that all over again by calling on Remedy, it broke her heart to do it. She couldn’t look at Grim, afraid to see the hurt in his expression. Her voice cracked when she spoke, a guilt twisting inside. “Remedy….I need you.”
Cold, ice blue eyes turned to his sister next to him. Something like pain twisted up his stomach, but Grim simply swallowed and shoved it down. Remedy was there, of course, instantly tearing himself forward despite their mutual high.
Grim held Lucky's gaze for a long minute, his expression blank but eyes revealing. Cold- even with all his words of love and carefree nature, Grim Hargreeves still carries the power to rip the life from anyone he touches. He wouldn’t touch her...never… but having her look at him like that and while calling out to Rem sent a smear of something through him that only his brother would ever know. A dark ink that stained as it went, painted Grim a darker shade than Remedy.
But Grim smiles, crooked and carefree, erasing that thawing that icy glare just as fast as it had appeared. Lucky had enough to deal with without his inner demons.
Grim didn’t fight Remedy as he took control, their posture shifting to envelop the heavy weight that always weighed the quieter brother down. He moved forward, carding a hand through Lucky's hair in a soft but urgent way, “It was going to happen eventually Luck.”
There was a pain in Lucky’s chest as she watched Grim slip away, leaving a wound between them. She bit her lip, wishing already she could take it back - but she needed Remedy. Lucky wanted to tell him that she couldn’t do this without him, wanted to ask him to stay but the words wouldn’t come out. Instead she buried her face into his shoulder, her tears falling freely not even trying to stop them now.
“I know,” Lucky wiped her eyes, trying to push her hair from her face. Stray hairs clung to her wet cheeks, tears clinging to her lashes and face red from the blood rushing to her cheeks - she couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I don’t know what to do - I can’t….I can’t do it…” alone. The word faltered on her lips, she had already stabbed Grim in the gut once- she didn’t need to twist the dagger in deeper. She knew Grim would have her back but between the two of them she always had to play the role of the more responsible type, if you could even call it that. What they needed was a leader, but she couldn’t be that person. She looked at Remedy with pleading eyes, “Please...tell me what to do.”
Remedy exhaled shakily and leaned back, his hand still lingering on her arm for comfort- for him or her, he wasn’t sure. “I don’t really know” he looked away, blue eyes darkening as he stared at the ground, “I never really planned for any of this and we’ve just been coasting on pure luck ever since. Grim- being who he is- is the only reason no one came looking. Luther isn’t exactly easy to hide” Luther snorted from his seat but kept quiet, his focus lost out the window.
“This isn’t me, I am not him” Remedy gestured at their bigger brother, “and once they find out what I did they won’t even pretend to listen to me”
Lucky exhaled as she leaned back, looking over at Luther as she spoke. “So what you’re saying is that we’re fucked.”
“Luck, you don’t need to say you know” Remedy turned his gaze to her, hating her crumpled posture, “Blame us”
“No,” Lucky said tersely, looking at him with absolute resolution in her eyes. “I’m not letting you guys go through this alone. I’m just as guilty...I’m not lying anymore. All or nothing.”
He nodded, but averted his eyes immediately, “Sure, we’ll see how it goes. I can’t promise anything though. I’m not... I might not be…. I get tired.” They didn’t ever talk about his disappearances, one of those taboo subjects skirted around whenever they neared it. Remedy look back at her after a moment, “I don’t know if I can be there.”
Lucky felt a familiar sinking feeling in her chest, that ache that always made it impossible to stick around longer than a few days. Then came the flicker, a flame deep within that she kept suffocated: Anger. It was always there, something she continuously snuffed out to protect the people around her only to reignite over and over again. She’d have thought by the time they had to deal with all of this Remedy would have figured his shit out already - but no one could have predicted the sudden death of The Monocle. Amber pools filled with a sad sort of a reluctant understanding, swallowing the words she wanted to say - there were too many and his time was running out.
“Yeah, okay.” Lucky sighed, her emotions creating complicated knots in her chest. All she wanted was to get through to him, but he made it so damn hard. Maybe things would never be like they used to and she just had to accept that, and with that take on the burden of the responsibility. There were so many things she almost said; some kind, some petty….She didn’t trust herself to speak, unsure what might come out. Instead Lucky reached for his hand, squeezing it gently as she looked out the window - the cab rolling to a stop.
Remedy squeezed her hand back, that contact tying his chest in knots.
‘There isn’t anything else you can do’ Grim voiced what he knew was true, though hearing it from his brother made it much more real. Revealing Luther was inevitable and well overdue, he just wished they’d had time to get somewhere. Luther was still the exact same as when Split had raised him from the dead- they’d figured out nothing. Maybe Dad dying meant they never would- the asshole did known how to fuck with their powers the best. Remedy closed his eyes from the stress, the soft cloud of his brothers drugs enveloping him before he could give Lucky any real help. They’d fucked up, now they had to deal with it.
Grim pulled his hand free instantly, severing that contact before Lucky could feel the seeping coldness of his powers. He freed himself from the confines of the cab, narrowly avoiding a car speeding past, and turned to glare up at their childhood home. Dark, foreboding, but blissfully empty of the single entity that still gave him nightmares. Maybe he’d learn to love this house now that Dr. Frankenstein was gone.
Lucky wiped away the tears and snot with her jacket sleeve lingering in the cab, her heart heavy. It would never change. Remedy would come and go leaving her with more questions than answers. All she had accomplished was wounding Grim and herself just a little bit more before than they already were because of her selfishness.
“I get tired Luck.” Rem’s words repeated in her head, stirring that familiar ache in her chest. Any time she had wanted to ask Remedy about his absences Lucky had fallen short, too afraid what the answer would be. She had thought up so many excuses she wondered if she believed any of them anymore. He showed up less and less over time. Lucky told herself the drugs couldn’t help but even if that were true she knew it wasn’t just the drugs. There was a part of Remedy that didn’t want to be around so he didn’t mind giving Grim the wheel and, that was the part that Lucky was afraid of.
The street was quiet, which wasn’t unusual but she had expected at least a couple of local news channels to set up a camera or two - there had been some live video in front of the Umbrella Academy that morning. With any luck they were already on to the next story but Lucky found that unlikely. She had to circle around the cab to help Luther out, struggling to unfold himself from the low-riding cab, his limbs stiffened. Lucky linked her arms through Luther’s, following behind Grim as they approached the mansion doors. The Umbrella design that branded their flesh was mirrored on the glass paneled and iron wrought doors to the mansion. She laid her hand atop the shaded portion of the stoop, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She could sense Pogo and their mother inside, but no one else. They were in the clear….for now.
Even with his back turned to her, Lucky could read Grim just by the way his shoulders settled. She opened her mouth to speak when Luther tugged at her arm gently: or rather, gently for him. She was thrown off balance for a moment but he pushed her back upright apologetically. He was right, Lucky had done enough damage for now. She needed to get Luther off the street before someone spotted them.
“Just mom and Pogo inside….Mom’s in the kitchen, Pogo’s in the library.” Her voice was heavy, unspoken apologies weighing her down. Grim deserved a minute to whatever poison he desired to get him through this shit show and Lucky wasn’t about to make this all about herself - at least not any more than she already had. She gave another glance down the street, catching a regretful glimpse into the bodega across the street. Lucky couldn’t see behind the counter from where she stood but she recognized the tattooed hands that reached across the counter to hand back change.
Fuck. Lucky hadn’t even given a thought to Santino the entire morning, obviously preoccupied with other matters. Her fingers twitched for a cigarette, her fresh pack now in Grim’s clutches within her bag. She could have laughed, the world seemed to be conspiring against her today. “We better get inside….I’ll meet you in there.” She said softly, taking Luther’s hand and giving Grim one last apologetic look before stepping into the shadow beneath her feet taking Luther with.
The passed through the doors and walls, Lucky gripping Luther's hand tight so he remained merged with her. She had long grown used to the shadows, the hazy vignette over your vision and your breath halted. Luther squirmed beneath her hold, Lucky could sense his discomfort. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze as she led him up the stairs.
Grim watched them disappear- dark shapes melding into the even darker shapes around them. He stood outside a moment longer, torn between splitting or doing the right thing and following them inside. It would be so easy to just turn down the sidewalk, ignore this issue, let Lucky deal with their shit and forget about it. Distantly he felt a humorless chuckle from Rem- of course they’d never do that, but he could dream right?
“Yo! Hargreeves!” Grim slapped on a smile and turned to face the street. Santino stood with his foot propping the store door open, hand raised in greeting and surprise, “Hey man, you guys alright’?”
“Oh, yeah. Best day of our lives.” Santino crosses his arms in a ‘look’ but Grim went on, “I’ll bring some booze and party favors over to celebrate later maybe? All provided by the old man?” He winked and turned to head towards the gate, giving Santino no chance to deny or call him on his bullshit. He needed alcohol, preferably a shot of that expensive ass whiskey dad kept in the cabinet. Maybe he’d be drunk enough that by the time shit went down, no one could harass him.
If only.
Lucky decided to take Luther to her room so that she could bolt the door and not rouse suspicion. She locked the door before she did anything else, pausing to double check no one else but Mom or Pogo was in the house. They were both still in their perspective rooms, Mom cooking and Pogo hunched over a desk in the library. Her room was immaculately kept, even the floor was polished. The only indication that no one lived there anymore were the white linens drawn over the furniture to protect it from dust since the last time she was there. If you stayed away long enough it all built up.
“You want to sit down?” Lucky asked Luther as she folded the white linen spread across her bed to clear a space for Luther. She went around the room to uncover the rest of her furniture, looking around with bitter nostalgia. Her room was small, at least compared to Luther's. He had gotten one of the larger room at the end of the hall. Lucky’s room was just beside his, sharing a wall. His was filled with books and records, a model airplane hanging from above. Lucky’s room had always been sparse - only whatever Hargreeves or mom filled it with.
The only evidence that Lucky had ever been there before were the walls. They were covered in old photographs, smiles long forgotten worn by faces none of them had worn in years. A monument to an era. Luther leaned over her vanity to inspect the ones she had lodged between the corners of the frame of her mirror. Most of them were her and Grim or her and Santino, or the three of them off on some adventure. There were some candid's of the siblings - though candid isn't something they did well with each other.
Luther plucked a Polaroid that had been carefully leaning against the mirror. It was slightly faded but otherwise in good condition. Lucky leaned her head against Luther’s arm, looking down to the photo in his hands. Lucky remembered the day it was taken. She held the baby’s breath to the lens, showing off the flower Remedy had plucked for her. Through the cluster of petals you could make out Lucky looking up to the camera with Remedy’s arms wrapped across her from behind. It seemed like a lifetime ago, she barely recognized the faces she glimpsed through the blossoms.
“He’s going to be okay, Luck.” Luther placed his hand on hers, his voice low and scratchy from lack of use. He didn’t speak often and usually only in monosyllabic responses. When he did speak he made sure his words would count. Lucky gave him a reassuring smile and a squeeze. Luther couldn’t help but to look out for them, even now.
“I know.” Lucky said, wondering if she believed it.
Lucky turned her back to Luther, carefully dropping to her knees and gripping at the floorboards. A shadow pushed from beneath, dislodging a floorboard for her to grab ahold of and pull. Lucky had been keeping anything worth anything hidden in her room ever since her father confiscated sweets Santino would bring over for them as kids. After she, Grim and Remedy had ran away she had created a go-bag. Anything worth keeping was in that bag, something that she could take and run the second they were free. Funny how you spend so long imagining something then it turns out completely different.
“What - looking for?” Luther sputtered, his voice failing him. His fists clenched with frustration, no matter how hard he tried Luther was endlessly reminded of his condition….constantly deteriorating.
Lucky looked over with concern, able to sense her siblings’ emotions like her own. She had spent their entire childhood and adolescence looking after all of them, Lucky could recognize her siblings emotions just with a look. Luther turned his back to Lucky, staring out the window with dull eyes and a clenched jaw. He didn’t need her coddling or pitying him. He was supposed to be the one fixing things.
“Luther, don’t be like that.” Lucky said from behind him, her voice vibrating with equal parts of frustration and concern. He could hear her rummaging through her bag behind him, looking with a purpose too distracted to push him further. She unpacked some of the bags contents onto the bed, digging underneath the layers of packed clothes and shoes to pull out a folded stack of cash bound by rubber bands. Relief washed over her expression, a brief escape from current circumstances.
As she counted out the bills, the burden slowly pressed further and further into her chest until the brief relief was long forgotten. It was enough to last a week of two, maybe more if she actually paid attention to the money she was spending. Either way Lucky would have to come up with more soon if she planned to stick around longer. Lucky twirled the gold chains that adorned her neck, twisted the golden rings on her fingers. She could always sell them but she preferred to leave them for Grim to pawn for some extra cash. Not that it mattered….
Maybe it was easier to think about problems she could solve than face reality. She reached into the front pocket of the bag, pulling out an oversized ziploc bag with prominent signs of wear from being stuffed into a too-small pocket. Within were a couple candy colored treats, undoubtedly Grim's and, a wrinkled pack of cherry cigarettes. They still smelled as fresh as the day Santino gave them to her, the sweet aroma of the tobacco making her mouth water. He found her broken glaring up at the Academy, unable to enter. He took lured her into his bodega with the promise of cherry cigarettes and Thai food, picking up the pieces and putting her back together until she felt like herself again.
Then Lucky fucked up and left without another word and didn’t say shit to him again for just about five years now. So she had that fun little gem to unpack on top of everything….
She twirled the pack in her hands, tracing the blossoms designed on the pack. Back then the only reason she smoked them in the first place was because of the delicate pink flowers printed on them. The idea of chain smoking them made her stomach turn, but Lucky still enjoyed them as a treat from time to time. She didn't bother opening a window, lighting her cigarette and falling back across her bed.
“Shouldn’t do that.” Luther mumbled.
“I think I get a pass on Dead Dad Day.” Lucky droned, rolling over to ash carelessly on the floor. The smoke filled the small room quickly, prompting Luther to crack open the window. It was the first time she had ever smoked in her room, she licked her lips to savor the taste. There was a window upstairs she had been fond of hanging out of to smoke back in the day. That or she’d sneak out to smoke behind the bodega across the way. She and Grim would send light signals to Santi from their room, always off on their own adventures with Santino their personal guide to the real world. She closed her eyes and let her head hang over the side of the bed, her hair draping over to dust across the floors.
Luther remained in the window, looking out. The sunlight coming through the window pane contrasted against his ashen skin, the dead were meant to be buried not left out in the light. Lucky clenched the fabric under her fingers, intrusive thoughts daunting her wonted sunny disposition.
“Hey,” Lucky propped herself up, calling softly to Luther. She could see the weight of his burden by the slump of his shoulders. He didn’t respond right away, considering ignoring her. They wanted him to hide away and let them take on all the responsibility, like he was some invalid that needed protection. Luck’s voice interrupted his spiral of self-loathing. “Hey, stop that. Don’t you dare put this all on yourself.”
He turned to her, dull blue eyes imbued with a sense of despondence. For so long he had been their leader and now he had to sit back and watch them flounder without him like he wasn’t there, when he was. Lit cigarette hanging from her lips, Lucky closed the distance between them in two paces, hands raking through his hair to cradle his head. Her eyes were filled with concern while her voice conveyed the weight of their situation. “We will handle this, stop worrying about us. Let us take care of it.”
Lucky knew her assurances wouldn’t make a difference for Luther, but she hoped it provided some comfort. She wrapped her arms around him as best as she could, careful not to burn him. When his body gave no give she squeezed him as best she could, grunting with the effort. “Hey, I love you.” She added, feeling him finally soften underneath her embrace.
“Love you too, Luck.”
Lucky could still sense his reluctance to sit idly by, but a flicker in the shadow’s down the hall diverted her attention. Her hands clasped on either shoulder, pushing him out at arms length with a sense of urgency. Luther recognized her expression, amber eyes searching the shadows around them. She pursed her lips, gesturing for him to be quiet.
“I’ll be back, please stay here. I promise it won’t be much longer.” Lucky whispered, giving his shoulders a reassuring squeeze and tossing the cigarette out the window before teleporting out the other side of the door. She appeared just before Pogo as he reached the end of the hall, leaning against the wall with a guilty expression. “I know, I know - no smoking in the house. I put it out - scout’s honor.”
“Camila, it’s great to see you.” She had never seen Pogo so sad, his knowing eyes wilted - she wondered if he cried like humans did. Lucky couldn’t think of a time she’d ever seen Pogo cry, or any other chimp for that matter - at least not tears. More just wailing sounds of anguish. Lucky smiled fondly, trying to stop her heart from pounding against her chest. “Your mother will be happy to see you, she’s -”
“In the kitchen, yeah. Want to come with?” Lucky wondered if she was being too friendly, like she was hiding something. Wondered if he knew that she didn’t want to leave him here alone with Luther standing only feet away. If Pogo had his suspicions he displayed none, smiling softly as an acceptance to Lucky’s invitation. Lucky smiled, feeling that glimmer of paternal comfort Pogo had always provided - the closest thing to a loving father they’d ever have. “Great, because I do not know how to get around here on foot.”